capt_facepalm

Title: Apologies to Burt Bacharach
Author: capt_facepalm
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: Sherlock Holmes
Characters: Sherlock Holmes, Dr John H Watson, Mrs Hudson.
Summary: Challenge 004: The musical
Warnings: My Muse button is set on crack
Word Count: 400
Author's Notes: I'm so sorry. I cannot resist a dare. Again, I'm so sorry.

.oOOo.

Dr Watson’s relief upon arrival home to his Baker Street flat was short-lived. He had only been out of town for three days. Just three. He was sure he had left the apartments in fairly good order, and his flatmate thoroughly engrossed in a mystery.

What he found upon his return both angered and dismayed him. The wall behind the chemistry bench was singed and clutter littered every horizontal surface in the sitting room. In the far corner, sat the detective; bleary-eyed, hair uncombed, and pale.

‘Holmes, you promised...,’ he gestured at the room in general. ‘And you look like the devil! Have you been ill or have you forgotten to eat anything?’

‘I am a victim of my own success. What looked to be a three-pipe problem on the surface was hardly worth half a cigarette. Criminals have no imagination these days,’ Holmes lamented as he took aim with the revolver and finished the neat VR in the wall.

Watson flinched at the gunshot, resisting the instinct to dive for cover.

‘Holmes, you are impossible! I should have never shared a flat with you!'

‘Come now, Watson. This isn’t the worst you have seen.’

[Sung to the tune of “I'll Never Fall in Love Again” by Burt Bacharach]

[Watson]
What do you get when you share a flat?
Sherlock Holmes, the consulting detective
Whose housekeeping skills are ineffective!
I'll never share a flat again
I'll never share a flat again

[Holmes]
What do you get when you share a flat?
A doctor without good prospects or wealth
Yet the hypocrite pesters me about my health!
I'll never share a flat again
I'll never share a flat again

[Mrs Hudson, who has just entered the room]
Tell me what that noise was about
Because if it’s more gunplay, I will throw you out!
Experiments in chemical binding
Are still occurring in spite of my constant reminding!

What do you get when you rent out a flat?
Your furniture gets broken up and battered
And anything made of glass is shattered!
I'll never rent out these flats again!
I'll never rent out these flats again!

Mrs Hudson elbowed a stack of paper off the spindly little table, slammed the tea service down, and exited the flat. Her two lodgers slowly returned their gaze from the door. Holmes was very pale while Watson blushed his embarrassment. Finally, Holmes spoke.

‘Tea, Doctor?’

‘Er, yes. Tea would be nice. And then I’ll help you sort out this mess.’

.oOOo.

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